When everything broke, Jesus held me: A faith and mental health story

Hi there! My name is Ashley, and my husband Mike and I are the lead pastors of Delta Church in Sunbury, Ohio.

If I could sum up my story, I'd say: when everything broke, Jesus held me.

I was raised in church but not in a Christian home.

From my earliest days, I was in church. I remember experiencing the wonder and joy that comes with getting to know Jesus and accepting Him as my Savior. Some of my favorite childhood memories are when I learned how to pray, or when I heard God's voice for the first time, or reading Bible stories to my brother every night.

In these same years, the culture at home reflected a different reality. My parents were each on their own journey. My dad was Jewish (he went to Hebrew school and had a bar mitzvah and all) and never looked back after becoming an adult. My mom had been in the foster care system and was never adopted. When my mom had me, she wasn't really sure what she was doing as far as having a belief system goes, but did want to raise her kids in church.

When I was 12, my parents went through a rough divorce.

This led to an incredibly difficult time at home. While I honor my parents' journeys and I know they tried their best, the truth is... the divorce intensified abuse and neglect that was taking place. For months and years I remember laying in my bed at night praying to Jesus, asking for help and imagining him holding me and rocking me to sleep. Today I can confidently say that Jesus got me through that time and held me. Truly.

I spent years holding myself together, achieving, pushing past pain and ignoring it.

I was still following Jesus and going to church, but I tried to escape all the chaos and pain in my home and in myself. My days were filled with intensity, anxiety, tension, and an unending drive for perfection in every area I could control... and in many areas I couldn't control.

When I turned 25, everything hit the fan and I broke.

It started with severe chronic pain that turned out to be Rheumatoid Arthritis. Then came debilitating panic attacks. And nightmares. And clinical depression. And PTSD symptoms. And the realization for the first time that I had been abused. Ever since, I've been on a journey to embrace the pain and give it space to heal instead of shoving it away and ignoring it.

Choosing to heal is one of the hardest choices I've ever had to make.

Healing is messy. Non-linear. Painful, even. But almost 10 years into this decision, I can say I'd choose it every time. I'm grateful for both Jesus and his people, my friends, who have surrounded me and heard my story and have held me up when I didn't have strength to do it myself.

10 years later, I still wonder at Jesus, but it's a different kind of wonder than when I was a kid. What brings me awe now is how close he was when I have been the most broken and empty. How Jesus showed up with empathy. How he too suffered at the hands of people, and still chose to set them, and all of us, free in his death and resurrection.

And I believe this Jesus I know will show up for you and help find a faith and mental health story too.

Ashley